When Physical Pain Heals You

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this back pain. This searing tension, feeling like a hot knife slicing through the butter of my lumbar spine. I feel the stuck energy, the sensation of pain radiating across my hips, down into my legs, and my piriformis muscle on the left side. It started four days ago and while it lessened up for a bit, it’s back and it’s fierce today. I’ve done a chakra clearing meditation already and have drank an anti-inflammatory concoction made of cacao, turmeric, black pepper, ginger, cinnamon, and coconut oil. I’ve been icing it on and off all day and took a soothing hot shower. I even put amethyst down my pants (seriously though, amethyst has a beautiful soothing, healing energy.) I know what I really need to heal and that is movement but the idea of it seems intimidating. Even though I know that is what ultimately eased my spasms and pain almost ten years ago. Knowing that it’s this same pain that led me to yoga in the first place.

And so, I find myself on the floor of my living room. I don’t even have my yoga mat because it is upstairs and I don’t want to go up steps. I’m lying on the rug and I’m back to the Youtube channel that helped me when I felt this way years ago. I’m craving guidance, instruction, a kind voice to lead me into asana. I haven’t taken a class for myself in awhile and I’m in too much pain to get into a car to drive anywhere. So here I am, selecting “Yoga for Back Pain” with Adriene Mishler.

I’m staring at the ceiling as her voice guides me to bend my knees and to lower my back body to the earth. To surrender. To feel connected through the soles of my feet. To breathe into the tension I feel. The practice is low and slow and I usually practice a more flowing, dance-like asana practice. It feels a bit strange to take it so slowly but I know intuitively it is what I need. I follow her guidance, slowly bringing my knees into my chest, rocking side to side and in circular movements. I feel the center point of the pain. I can almost see it, this ball of stuck, heavy energy. I find my logical mind trying to define it, trying to understand why it is there. I continue to move along with the video, extending my right leg up to the sky while my left knee is bent, foot planted solidly into the earth. I swirl my ankle around. I feel my spine beginning to lengthen. I breathe into the sensation. As I lower my right leg and bend at the knee, I lift my left leg up into the air. I circle my ankle around and I extend gently upward. It is in this moment where I begin to unravel.

There it is. The sensation of wanting to cry begins to surface. It starts in my throat, a tightening feeling of something stuck. It rises up into my mouth, my lips trembling. It rushes upward into my sinuses where it stings and eventually into my eyes, where I feel the manifestation of tears gathering into the corners of them. The tears eventually roll downward alongside my cheeks. They start off slowly and even with a bit of resistance. As I begin to realize what I’m doing, trying to stop this flow of release, I let it go. I allow myself to feel into it. Not trying to define it or understand why I’m crying in this moment. To just let the tears flow out with this movement. To allow this emotion, this feeling to move through me. The emotion of sadness. Of grief. Of feeling ungrounded. Unsafe. Of frustration. Of not knowing what will happen next.

I keep moving with Adriene’s guidance. I flow gently from pose to pose, allowing the tears to flow along with me. The feeling intensifies and before I know it, I’m completely sobbing. As I move slowly and carefully, I finally arrive in savasana. Lying on my back, feeling the earth rise up to meet me. Feeling the never-ending support of the Great Mother. Grounded. Steady. Safe. I send my breath into the base of my spine and up into my heart and then through my crown. I fill myself up with healing green light.

I realize afterward that this crying wasn’t a product of physical pain, yet stuck emotions and energy residing in the the left side of my body. The left side of the body is considered the side of our bodies where we house our feminine energy, while the right is more masculine. We all have a beautiful combination of both, but they can become unbalanced. I have always had physical ailments and pain on my left side for as long as I can remember. Through my practice of yoga, I've learned that stuck or suppressed energy and emotions manifests physical pain and illness. I thought I had worked through a lot of this but there is still much healing work that needs to be done here. It goes deeper than I think I can even fully realize. It goes back generations. It’s soul healing work.

So, I send myself love. I send myself compassion. Today is the first day in awhile where I did not leave my home. I provided myself with care. And perhaps that is the message here. Sometimes it takes something like physical pain to grab our attention. To get ourselves to pause. To take notice of what our soul is craving. What we are really needing in our spiritual practice. It’s time to slow down. To look even more inward. To get real and honest with my emotions. To no longer suppress or hide them. To allow my voice to be heard. To stand tall. To connect with my purpose so that I can serve others on their healing journeys. But first, I must allow my own healing to take place. I must allow myself that space.

Love & light,

Jen